Yours til the sun comes up
by AnnaAnna
Summary: Blair, Chuck and the rest of the gang, picks up after The Serena Also Rises, includes journal entries from Blair Waldorf herself.
1. Chapter 1

Blair Waldorf Journal Entry # 1:

I don't know how much more I can take. I heard someone say once, there's always going to be someone better than you, that person, for me is Serena. I guess if Serena's the designer than I'm the canal street knockoff. God don't let her know that, she would tell everyone. I cant ever let anyone else know that I know she's better than me. Confidence is key to surviving in this world. My mother wishes I was Serena. To be honest I don't really know anyone who wishes I was me.

I don't want to talk about Chuck because every time I even think about him it just hurts and I am just so tired of being hurt and in pain. At the same time I think if I don't talk about it then I might explode.

My dad is the one who said I had to go to therapy, and the therapist said I have to keep this journal. I think the therapist thinks I'm on drugs, honestly it has been a thought and I know if I really wanted to I could, but I would like to think that I'm above that. I guess drinking like a fish and purging everything I eat is more my style.

Every time I even see him I feel like a knife is twisting around in my heart and acid burning and boiling in my lungs.

I just want things to be okay, just for a day. If I could have one day where I knew Chuck really loved me, Serena was a real friend, Nate actually hung out with us again, my mother like me and my dad could actually really see me, If I had one day like that then I think the rest of it would all be worth it.

I hate complaining about my life, but even worse I hat having a reason to complain. Obviously my life could be a whole lot worse, Upper East Side doesn't exactly scream poor little girl but I guess I have my fair share of problems. Lets take a look at the final tally shall we?

Nate: Barely around anymore, I know he doesn't care about me the way he used to but he was once a good friend to me and I wish things could be the way they were.

Serena: She was my best friend, like the sister I never had, she was always going to be there for me and I for her. But now she wants to shine and I prevent that, she wants the glory and attention and she doesn't want me involved, she wants to rule and thinks that I should follow beneath her. She's so caught up in herself she can't see me.

My Mother: The other night after the fashion show she was making a toast and do you know what she said? She said, "A toast to my beautiful girls, Jenny and Serena, who saved the day." Her beautiful girls, I guess I'm not one of them. She let a whole room of people know that I am not what she wanted, she wishes Jenny and Serena were her daughters, not me. I didn't think it would hurt so bad to be this unwanted, but it does.

My Father: He loves me I know he does, maybe he's the only one, but he isn't here. He's too busy for me and that's not bad , I'll take what I can get but I wish he could hear me.

Chuck: I can't even begin, I want him so much, but he doesn't want me anymore. I should have known this would happen. I don't want to talk about it anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

Blair Waldorf Journal Entry # 2:

Its 5:31 a.m. Serena could never understand why I got up so early, usually she was just getting in around this time. Nate never got it either, but does that really surprise anyone anymore? Chuck got it. He was like Serena, just getting in at this time. But he didn't hurry past it to collapse in a drunken stupor to his bed (not to mention Chuck was never really found in a drunken stupor, he can hold his liquor well). Sometimes we would talk on the phone for at least an hour to watch the sunrise. I don't know why I can't even remember what we talked about, probably nothing.

But it was nice just to know that someone was thinking about you at 5:30 in the morning. It was nice to just talk about nothing but at the same time, everything. It's kind of hard to explain I guess.

Chuck is smart, he proved that to the world and his father with his business endeavor at Victrola, also he's is all my AP classes, when he attends that is. Nate and Serena are not nearly as smart, especially not Serena, but she's pretty, loyal and friendly, just like a golden retriever. Chuck would think that was funny.

I can't sleep anymore. My stomach is empty because I made it that way. All day at school the other day, I could feel their eyes digging into me. I could go to France, spend the rest of the year there. But my dad is too busy and too happy without me and who am I to ruin that? He deserves some happiness after wasting all those years with my mother.

Gossip Girl got a picture of me feeding birds in the park by myself the other day; I wonder what they'll say about me now. This is getting to be like the Salem Witch Trials, except I'm the only witch. I'm doing very well in school, I'm pretty sure I've got valedictorian in the bag. Every time a teacher hands back a perfect paper they give me one of those sad smiles and tell me they're proud of me, as if they could tell what's happening amongst their students. I wish their words and smiles actually meant more but they don't and all I feel is tired, tired and cold.


	3. Chapter 3

Blair Waldorf Journal Entry # 3:

Can't sleep. Thank God today was Saturday, I didn't see any of them. You know, I'm not mad at any of them, Would I have done anything differently if I had been Serena or Chuck or Nate or even Jenny? Dan always does the 'right thing' so that's something I would never do. It's hard to be mad at Serena but it's so easy to hate her. I can't be mad at her though.

The more I distance myself from her the more I can remember the good memories I have when Serena was really my best friend. I can't help but hope that my best friend is still there, and sometimes I can see her, just beneath the surface. And I know she's trapped too and I can see her and hear her screaming my name and I want to help but I know I can't. Even if I tried she wouldn't let me.

I hate not being able to fix things and I hate being someone who needs to be fixed. I'm sick of only being able to recall good memories from the past, none from the present and none for the future and not being able to make any because I'm so down all the time. I guess I really do have a case of the mean reds.

I went to church the other morning out of boredom and boredom alone. I've never been a religious person but I've always thought of it as a nice but frivolous novelty to be whipped out for weddings and holidays. Anyway someone snapped a picture of me.

I haven't heard from my mother in three days, I wonder when she plans on coming home. I've gotten so used to being on my own it's a shame when she comes back!

Blair Waldorf Journal Entry # 4:

Chuck and Vanessa are together. I have to write it down because later when I try and convince myself it's not real I'll look back and see it's true. I saw them after school, they held hands and kissed. I don't know if this is another game to make me or Nate jealous or something like that. I walked past them and just pretended that I am indeed used to that familiar sting of a thousand needles penetrating my chest all at once. No matter how many times it happens I never get used to it. I'm just a better actress now.

I don't even know what to say about this. Am I supposed to say anything? What am I supposed to do how am I supposed to react? I cant feel anything right now, its like when the dentist drugs you, you don't feel good but you don't feel bad. You don't feel anything at all.

Everyone watched me leave, I think they all expected me to have some sort of breakdown but I wouldn't give those bitches the satisfaction. They don't need to know that I shoved my finger down my throat the minute I got home and I don't care if Dorota heard me. Maybe I'll go to bed now.

Serena Van der Woodsen needed to find Blair Waldorf and fast. Unfortunately Lily was not happy about her daughters reent foray into the socialista world and was wondering what happened to Blair. When Serena hinted that they may have gotten into a fight and that she was spending her time with Poppy now, Lily reminded her, not so gently mind you, that if Poppy became the new Georgina then Serena would join her former friend in penance boot camp. That is why Serena needed Blair. Also somewhere deep down, the part of Serena, Blair's best friend, that still remained was worried about Blair considering the recent developments between Chuck and Vanessa.

Serena spotted Blair walking into the courtyard before school; she quickly jumped up to the other girl's side.

"Look we have to at least keep up appearances and I know that you like hate me or whatever, but we should at least have lunch together okay?" Serena said without as much as a 'hello'.

Blair rolled her eyes in agreement and walked away as fast as her legs could take her.

Later that day at lunchtime Blair sat down at a table in the courtyard and was soon joined by Serena who was quickly followed by Nate the Jenny, Eric, Dan, Chuck and Vanessa who dropped by to visit for lunch. Just as everyone at the table was thinking of a good excuse to leave a Gossip Girl blast landed.

_Spotted in the Courtyard: The fab four reunited, but where is any superstar quartet without their groupies? And does this mean B has accepted the union of C and V? Are S and B back to besties? And what does N have to say about all of this after being MIA for so long?_

Blair slid her phone shut, rolled her eyes and looked away from the rest of the group. Vanessa was the one to break the silence.

"So who exactly are the 'fab four'? I didn't really get that," she asked.

"That would be Blair Serena Chuck and Nate," Eric explained.

The group sat in an awkward silence for the rest of the period, though none of them dared to move until it was time for Vanessa to leave. Blair wasn't the only one to notice that Chuck made no motion to even register that she had left at all.


End file.
